Cats……

Black Lion Spring 2013

Cats. “Oh, they’re just like children!”. Yeah, they’re fur covered children. Fluffy babies……and if you believe that they can be a substitute for a child, go check yerself into rehab! And make sure you reserve a place for me……

I’ve tried to deny how much I love animals, but unfortunately the Wombwell blood pervades. “I’m starving you bastard, I’ve got nowhere to go, and It’s bloody snowing”. One look can say so much……

My Ma, Pa and my Sisters would put animals before humans any day, and they were incredibly loving towards all of their pets, mostly cats and dogs. But I remember what Jed used to say about certain scenarios in life being a “trap” and feeding stray cats is the full hole in the ground, bamboo lined, palm leaf covered pit. On my estate there are numerous people who feed them. Indeed there’s one older woman who passes the strays, casually tossing food in her wake, a pack of ham or some such nestling on top of her sholley, God bless her! She’s like the Pied Piper of Pussy! And I thought that was my job……

And yeah, I feed a stray I call Black Lion……except it’s a girl. Obviously I wasn’t aware of that initially. She’s a beautiful looking cat, but rather odd. She doesn’t seem to care when the weather’s really bad, and often greets me in the rain, soaked to the skin, literally. Definitely not the sort of wet pussy I like. Her fur looks cool once it dries out tho, like somebody’s taken crimping tongs to it. Last year when it snowed heavy she was out there, covered in partially thawing slush. I felt so bad about it I made her a wee house out of a thick cardboard box that my microwave arrived in. I gaffer taped black bags around the box to make it waterproof, arranged the foam inside that surrounded the oven so it was thoroughly insulated, cut a small flap in the front and stuffed it with clean old curtains that my pussy pal Lorraine gave me. A veritable pussy palace! What was Black Lion’s reaction? “Yeah, very nice, but I ain’t going in there”.

BL Crop (600 x 450)

MP calls her the Pyro Pussy because on November the 5th I decided to have a walk round my estate to check the fireworks. Incredibly Black Lion followed me, unfazed by the bangs and general mayhem. And it was like Little Beirut round these parts!  My Pa had a beautiful sleek black cat called Soupy. He used to walk with Pa and Pip ( Dad’s last Jack Russell ) when they went out for a trot.

The next night was equally Pyrogasmic, and standing at my front door around 8 o’clock I could see some phenomenal cakes going off. No doubt expecting some nosh Black Lion showed up again, and this time she brought her pals along; 2 little Tabbys, a beautiful grey cat I call Dusty, with his sister, a smaller version of him, a Sylvester type black and white cat with really soft fur and my absolute favourite cat, a little grey and white ball of fluff, just out of kitten – hood. It was like a bloody Disney movie, me and my Pussy posse, uncaring about the bangs, indeed several of them looked to the sky, I kid you not. Of course now they all visit regularly!

And isn’t it incredible, you start feeding one cat, they go away and tell all their mates, and then there’s a pack of them! Next thing you know you’re Mrs Galley! Mrs Galley, for the uninitiated, was a woman who kept the ladies loos on Maldon prom in the 1950’s, through to the 1970’s I believe. My sister Helen used to help her on the turnstiles. The Prom was home to literally hundreds of cats in those days. And Mrs Galley being a very caring soul fed them. I can remember seeing loads of cats down the Valley out of season, and I’m sure some of them lived under the rides and in the numerous sheds that housed the generators. I went round Mrs Galley’s house when I was a nipper, with my Mum, who regularly donated tins of cat food to the cause. Mrs Galley opened the door and the pong was phenomenal! Because no doubt her favourites were given special privileges, and there must have been ten or so cats living with her. Loads of them were at the windows, sitting on the sills. Mrs Galley came across quite brusque, in fact she scared me, but she obviously had a heart of gold. She always seemed to have curlers in her hair, covered by a headscarf, and a brown housecoat and usually wellys topped off her ensemble. I remember seeing women waiting to catch buses to go pea picking. She could have been in that scene no sweat, and perhaps she once was. I don’t think she had any family. An old Maldon character……

S

How tragic these beautiful creatures are neglected so. I can’t help feeling a pain in my heart for them. Their owners are totally irresponsible. they’re no way caring enough towards their cats…..infact they don’t give a shit about them! And if there’s any more cat oriented population explosions in my ‘hood, I shall be taking it up with my MP…….not that it will make a great deal of difference. And what happened to the RCPCA? And how come the local council do nothing even tho I’ve reported the stray situation to them numerous times?

Having researched what motivates our feline friends, and whether they have “emotions” ( which many claim they do ) it would seem just like every creature on the planet, cats are motivated totally by obtaining a full belly and somewhere nice and warm to sleep. Sound familiar?
Cats are no way as intelligent as humans, their brains simply ain’t big enough. I was beginning to think that a cat’s brain is as hard to fathom as a woman’s: but it’s not, its simple psychology, cats need to survive, and with a stray in an urban environment that’s via humans. And they know they can manipulate us.
We project the appropriate “feelings” we interpret the cat to have. Our guilt and emotions immediately figure because the cat is being intensely affectionate, it would be cruel not to give it  little food, which may be true. But not being the owner of the cat, feeding it isn’t my responsibility, but of course the cat figures “here’s a human, humans give me food, I’ll try this one!”.
I tell them, “evolve! grow hands! then you won’t need us!” C’mon Mr Dawkins, give ’em a shove!

It’s a weird scenario: cats can’t communicate, so we see certain “looks” on a cats face, and judge how they feel. Is this some sort of psychic connection? Or more like I fear a case of self-hypnosis? I don’t want to rule out the supernatural possibilities, but I do believe in reality a cat’s behavior is 90% motivated by survival. But that’s not to say they don’t like attention and affection, just like humans. As MP says, they like to be contented……

230Wallace
It’s double weird for me, being directly related to George Wombwell, because I think he had animal husbandry down to a fine art. And I like my boots to be shiny.  And how cool was he, his pet Lion Wallace sleeping at the foot of his bed? That’s as in a “full-grown, 8 foot long, intact with teeth and claws etc” Lion……

Again it goes back to denying how much I love animals, I do certainly feel a connection, I always have, and I can no longer deny it. Anyone that knows me will tell you I especially love Amphibians. The shape of a Newt is such a brilliant design. And beautiful. And of course I love Hamsters……

Like anything else that challenges us in life, we have to deal with it as best we can. And I can’t involve my emotions with the strays, if I do I feel such hideous compassion it really upsets me. Those poor little mites, they didn’t ask to be here, it’s cold, it’s wet, whatever.  But then, nor did I, tho the cats don’t give me any compassion, they can’t, they’re cats, my point entirely! I’m sorry, but I only want my lover’s fur in my bed, not a cat’s. I love ’em, I can’t deny, they’re beautiful creatures, but they ain’t ever going to share my living space, end. They go to places no human would venture, and dirt, dust and shit don’t bother them. And they’re bringing their arse into your house? I don’t think so……but God bless them anyway……and have some more ham!

Epilogue: I went to Asda’s briefly this afternoon, they had tons of those wee tins of gourmet cat food for 30p. I bought a dozen. That fat black cat’s gonna be even fatter! And hey Mr Lama, or may I call you Dalai? Does feeding a stray count as my good deed for the day……?

cutest-kitten-gifs-meow

“Alwight Tel?”

 

 

 

2 Responses to “Cats……”

  1. Sadly, my lovely Lion disappeared several months ago, I’m unhappy to tell you. I saw her one evening late March, gave her some scrummy buppy, after which she buggered off, as per.
    Except this time, she never came back……
    Everyone admired Black Lion: she was an exceptionally good looking cat. I’d like to think someone pinched her and now she’s living high on the hog, spending most nights laying by the fire, with a big ol’ belly full of food.
    Bless her where ever she is……

  2. Well that was then, and this is now……

    In the summer I trapped some 6 strays, and would have caught several more, were it not for the fact someone trashed one of my traps, that were kindly provided by Cat Protection.

    I rehomed 3 neutered Toms, ably assisted by FACE, a local cat charity. These lads are now living the life of Reilly, thoroughly pampered and ratting at a local stable. The cat gods smiled down at me……

    But what of the other three I hear you ask? Two words: cat slave, that’s me now. I feed all three: Grey Lion my beautiful girl cat ( my profile picture ) Prince, a gorgeous big black Tom with a Panda face ( an abandoned domestic cat ) and Tabs, a reformed kitten machine with big paws. Must be feeding time……

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