Nick Fisher and I have been having a major email conversation about Women. Probably our favourite subject aside from Music! Nick’s wife is in her early Fifties, as is the Mad Princess, my girlfriend. Nick and I are rampant old(well, middle aged)gits, whilst our other halves are far more reserved when it comes to sex. And I spose we’ve been discussing why this should be so, and I think I have a number of insights.

Men have performance anxiety, and I’ve certainly experienced that. A gorgeous new woman in your bed, all set to Rock’n’Roll, and what does Little Elvis do? He pops back into his cave, quaking with fear. And of course, women must experience similar. The expectations are high, we’re all expected to please, without any thought for the pressure we’re under. So I’m going to say that that’s one of the big reasons for women’s sexual reticence. And here’s a tip: have 2 or 3 glasses of your favourite tipple, but not too much, and relax, take it easy……

Number 2 I believe to be mostly genetic. Young women shake their tail feathers frequently, in search of a mate. But once her instincts tell her she’s found that mate, and also once she’s had a child or two, well there’s certainly less point to sex. I really don’t want to generalise or come across in any way misogynistic, because I worship women, tho’ sometimes I’m not sure how much I like them! But then I could apply that to the human race in general……
Alfie used to say to my Mum “how about we go to bed with the News of the World this afternoon and have some fun?”. My Ma would always reply “I shouldn’t like!” and that was that. The NOTW being a type of soft porn for the working classes. But what it spelt was Pa was horny and Ma wasn’t, end of, and it was his attempt at raising the flag. I guess I come from a long line of horny bastards……
But seriously, I’ve heard it said many times, once a man and a woman have kids, well aside from the mating urgency having passed, well what about the kids? From being too tired/having their hands full/feeding and watering, suddenly there’s a new kid on the block that interrupts their intimacy. I’ve been with single Mums who’ve suddenly had the urge, but I’ve been paranoid about the romp, just in case the little ‘un pops their head round Mum’s door.

As we get older, weird things happen to our bodies. I’ve had a bout of illness, of which I’m pretty much 99% recovered from. But over that period I’ve put on weight, and have a dreadful opinion of my body shape, and my self esteem has taken a battering. I’m working out 5 days a week, and trying to cycle a minimum of 5 miles every day, a lot easier when you’re unemployed. As women get older they seem to constantly battle with their weight, and I’ve gotta ask, if you’re feeling like a beached whale(and fearful of swimming in Japan)do you really want to get down and dirty? Well I do, but I appreciate that MP doesn’t feel comfy running around naked, let alone be intimate with another, if she thinks her body weight is out of proportion and unattractive. I adore her, so I see her with love, but she uses a different mirror from me(as most women do!). So that’s a big number three.

In a long term relationship, after a few years, the fires of passion wane and burn low. What was a rampant urge to grab each other has turned into perhaps a bi-monthly event. I suppose it’s just got to happen, it’s not exactly familiarity breeding contempt, more like familiarity breeding boredom. It’s up to us to spice it up, to make it exciting again. But if we’re all honest, we can rarely be arsed. I don’t think either partner is necessarily to blame, it’s just what naturally happens. And I have a theory about it.
If I’m totally honest a lot of my relationships when I was a younger man have ended because of sexual boredom. And I’m thankful I never married any of the gorgeous women I’ve dated, because for the most part I’d have felt like a caged animal. Too immature to make a commitment I hear you cry, well perhaps that’s right. But better that than divorce!

We are led to believe we live in an age of sexual enlightenment, but I think that’s archetypal media rubbish and hyperbole. I think for the most part the UK is a sexually repressed country. I don’t know any of my friends who enjoy a good sexual relationship. Most of them are either suffering from complete boredom with their long term partners, or their partners have long given up the desire. Tragic. Perhaps that’s down to living in a society that’s essentially superficially very sexual, but in reality is very different. C’mon we’re not enlightened sexually as a society, just look how we treat women. As John Lennon said “we make her paint her face and dance”. Plastic looking perfect doll women, with perma fresh lippy and make up, with not a hair out of place. I think I’ll point the finger at American mainstream Porn as being somwewhat responsible for that.
Speaking of Porn, as I write this probably a third of the nation are masturbating over Internet Porn……or “Shades of Grey”. Some might say we’ve always been a nation of wankers! How apt that the “Shades of Grey” books were originally Kindle books only: anonymous buyers, and no contact with others involved with it’s purchase. A bit like modern sex! And how terribly English it is, with much bondage/mild S&M. I don’t have a problem with that, because I’ve met several women who enjoyed erotic spanking and mild bondage. But I can’t really equate it with mainstream sex, which is maybe my problem?

Look at how teenage girls treat their boyfriends, as if having a relationship should be similar to punishment. I know several young men in their 20’s who simply can’t be bothered with the hassle of a girlfriend sadly. “Every body knows, love can be so cruel boys” (The Dictators “Hey Boys” from Manifest Destiny.) Apparently now the trend is for men in their late 20’s to date women in their early 20’s, so where are the women in their late 20’s going to socialise and find a mate?
And as for the male stereotype, I saw a picture of some nameless rapper recently, shirt off like the Ig, six pack a plenty, with a waist like a young girl. Is that what us men are sposed to look like now? Girls please note: there’s one important muscle that no amount of work outs will change. You either have it or you don’t.
Of course none of us want to be carrying excess weight, but c’mon there is a sensible limit. I don’t want Mr Barnham to pick me! Well maybe for just one of my attributes……

My theory is this: as women get older, they all but lose the desire for sex. It’s messy, effortful, and a downright hassle, and I know several women who would completely agree with that.
As men get older, the fire in their loins diminishes a lot slower than women. Hey, it’s the “dirty old man” syndrome! Doesn’t that send a message to all of us? And how ironic is it that whilst his gun might be cocked and loaded, nobody wants to pull the trigger any more!
I don’t think humans were meant to be monogamous. Perhaps women after the birth of their children, but rarely I think with men. And I know one or two men who’ve got married in their late 40’s just because they didn’t think they’d ever get a better opportunity, and that’s really sad.
We are so brainwashed as a society. It used to be the done thing, find a partner, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. And whilst I certainly think marriage is a good thing, in this day and age it rarely functions as it should, but then, little does. If we could learn to see our emotions for what they really are, superfluous, and not be so jealous or possessive, our society would be so much happier and healthier. And women could make men much happier, and vice versa.

And yeah, perhaps us men could have our long term partner and lovers too. Hey c’mon, we’ll bring home the bacon and keep the family, we’re keeping you happy, can’t we be kept happy too?
Look at the Old Testament, Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Some might call that masochistic. But it’s got to be ok,  it’s in the Bible!
If I suddenly stop blogging assume the Mad Princess has beaten me to death……


Leave a Comment

To prevent spam, the first time you post a comment on this blog, it will be held for approval. After that, as long as you use the same name and email address, your comments will appear straight away.