It’s a sad and shocking statistic that at Christmas time incidents of domestic violence and friction increase dramatically. And why should that be? Is it the close proximity of other family members, that one usually never sees except over the Festive season, that irritates? Is it the increased Alcohol intake that causes people to become more aggressive? Or is it the sudden boredom that some some people suffer over the Holiday season?
No, I think I know why tempers are flared and fuses are short over Christmas. In two words, FAIRY LIGHTS!
So you’re thinking, how can something so innocuous and pretty cause so much bad feeling? Well, first up the lights that you carefully packed away from the previous Yuletime, ensuring all the bulbs are working, and carefully replacing all plugs and fuses, dusting them, polishing them etc. rarely work the following year. Or worst still, you put the lights on the tree, they work fine. You decorate the tree and mysteriously the lights go out. You carefully replace every single bulb and yay, they’re up and running again. That is, until a Wood Louse farts in close range of the lights and suddenly they go down again. So you carefully replace every single bulb again, nothing! Fighting back the sheer rage you carefully undecorate the tree, take all the Fairy lights off and plug them into a different socket and hey praise the Lord they come back on. Your rage and anger turns to delight, you calm yourself, you put the now working lights back on the tree, carefully redecorate the tree and plug in the lights. And hey, guess what, Satan(and NOT Santa)is messing with your head cos those damn lights just ain’t working!!!
Why why why? So you go into Poundstretchers or the late lamented Woolworth’s and ask the nice assistant for replacement bulbs. “Oooh no, we haven’t stocked those since the 70’s!”
And that’s it see. Replacement bulbs are a myth. Those 3 or 4 you get with your new set of lights, well make them last. Cos they’re the only 3 replacement bulbs in the KNOWN UNIVERSE. That’s it, just 3.
As a consequence people like me hoard replacement bulbs. I have approximately 5000 different types of bulbs. Not as a result of buying replacements but through keeping the remains of old sets, in the very vain hope that MAYBE one day you’ll buy a set of lights and hey look I’ve got tons of spares cos I kept the remainder from the set way back in ’63. Dream on, Buddy. Because before that occurs we will have colonised Mars, found a cure for Cancer and a reformed Osmonds will be number 1 in the Internet charts with that old GG Allin fave, “I wanna f**k myself”.
It just AIN’T gonna happen.
If there was any justice in this world, if suddenly things turned fair for the average Dude on the street, the after sales service on Fairy lights would be first class. There’d be a help line, open through out all of the Holiday season, 24/7.
It’s Christmas day. As Fonz Linge would say, you’ve eaten your way through the pain barrier. In a happy haze of Whisky and Beer you contemplate the Christmas Dr Who, a short nap, the family arriving, Pyros a go go, more single Malt, then beddy byes clutching your favourite new toy. And what happens? The Fairy lights go down!
No problemo in the perfect world. You call the Fairy lights hot line, an 0800 number to boot. Within 10 minutes 3 chaps turn up in white lab assistant type coats. They assess the situation immediately with the aid of test meters and such like. Within 5 minutes they’ve either fixed your lights, apologised for the inconvenience, and left in a flurry of snowflakes and Ho Ho Ho’s. Or they replace your tree with an “It’s a Wonderful life” monster, with Harrods Fairy lights and small decorative Crackers containing Indoor fireworks or small pieces of jewelry made of Kashmir silver, and REAL candles, just like when I was a baby.And trust me Mr Health and Safety, our tree NEVER went up in flames, showering us with molten plastic and glass.
And whilst we’re on the subject of H&S, what is this silly shite about not being able to festoon our high streets over Christmas?
THEY say that there’s potential for injury, with the possibility of decorations falling from lamp posts etc. and causing harm to the cruisers below. Yeah right. When did you last see someone impaled on a Christmas decoration? “God look at that poor man, he’s being strangled by stray Tinsel!”. “Crikey that poor woman, those tree balls almost bashed her brains out!”. If there’s anyone out there who’ve witnessed scenes like this please get in touch. And ease up on your Parklife! Cos it just NEVER happens, Christmas decorations AREN’T dangerous! They’re just supposed to fill us with the Christmas spirit, not fill us full of dread and fear of walking down the street, paranoid we’ll be horribly mutilated by them!
As John Prime said to me recently, this stupidity is a result of our “Litigation Nation” a get rich quick scheme inherited from our American cousins. To people older than 40 all this “Nanny state” nonsence is insanity and an affront to our intelligence and common sense.
Please could our Government have an attack of common sense someday soon?
Ah well, what was I saying about the Osmonds………..
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!